Thursday, December 26, 2013

New Year's Resolutions for Writers in 2014

With the new year approaching, people everywhere are making promises to themselves about what will be different this time. They will go to the gym everyday, write everyday, eat only healthy food, and call grandma at least once a week. But making goals is hard, so here is a super handy list of aspirations for any writer that will make creating those new year's resolutions easy as pie.
  1. Read lots of lists. It is completely unnecessary for writers to actually write. The truth is, each aspiring writer who has read enough lists will wake one morning to find their dream novel fully written and edited atop their pillow.
  2. Do not read anything (except lists). Reading other writer's novels is just a waste of time. You need to be working on your own masterpiece - constantly. Reading will only slow your genius efforts down. It isn't fun, anyway.
  3. Buy Scrivener. Also a moleskine and a fountain pen. A writer is nothing without fancy tools. How can anyone be expected to write a novel on lined paper or in Microsoft Word? No, you need Scrivener. You need folders separating these thoughts from those thoughts or you just won't be able to write a thing.
  4. Do not use Google or complete any research of your own. Every question you have, no matter how small or seemingly inane, can be answered by your fellow writers on the writer communities you love so very much. It is especially encouraged to ask for other writers' plots, characters, and settings so that you can use them for your own work.
  5. Do not experiment - ever. Actually writing and practicing is a complete waste of time. Why spend years perfecting the craft when you can constantly ask your peers if things are okay or not? Is this plot okay? Are these characters okay? Is this word okay? Is using "said" really necessary? I like exuberated. Your fellow writers love these questions.
  6. Talk down to other writers, especially when you're on the internet. Some people are stupid. Actually, everyone except you is stupid. Make sure to belittle other writers on the internet by using big words, not actually answering their questions, and claiming supremacy by mentioning your high school journal publication.
  7. Wait until you are ready. If you start writing now, your writing will be crap, and nobody has time for shitty first drafts. You are going to write one draft. One beautiful, saintly draft that will get you that publishing deal. And it will only take you about a week and a half. So just take your time, read those lists, ask those questions, and only start when you're one hundred percent ready and motivated to write gold.
I hope this super-serious-and-not-at-all-satirical collection of advice will help you in the coming year. What other pieces of great writing advice can you think of? Let me know in the comments below, and thanks for reading.